Celibate and The Suburbs: Guys Dating Profiles Suck? Why?

Dating Apps, we’ve all heard of them. We’ve probably all been on them. We all have different ideas about what the ideal dating profile should look like. From Tinder to Bumble to Hinge to the more obscure ones to the fancy ones that are only for celebrities, every profile is different. Some might try to show their personality, some might just want to show their looks, some just post one picture from high school and call it a day. For whatever reason, guys absolutely do not know how to make their profiles look swipeable. We all know the male population is dumber than a bag of rocks, but it truly shows when they’re picking photos for their dating profiles.

In today’s episode of Celibate and the Suburbs I bring you the worst kind of photos guys post on their dating profiles. If for whatever reason you are reading this and find yourself feeling personally attacked, let me first tell you “if the shoe fits…” and then secondly, please fix your profile… I’m about to put a bunch of boys on blast so buckle up because it’s about to be a wild ride.

What do you even look like??

Boys can’t take a good photo to save their life. They don’t know their angles, they can’t find their light, and they absolutely don’t understand how to fix these issues. And on top of this? They still decide to use these pictures in their profiles. From dark pictures, to too far away shots, to low angle selfies, we don’t actually know what you look like and it makes me want to swipe left more than anything. Some of the pictures I’ve seen look like they were taken on a disposable camera with no flash in the middle of the night and then someone took a photo of that photo and posted it on their profile. What in your right mind makes you look at those photos and think, “I look hot! Some girl will definitely want to send me nudes when they see this picture of me!” Because all I think when I see those photos are, “I hope he’s a lot cuter in person and I REALLY hope he doesn’t try to send me dick pics before I know what he really looks like.”

On top of pictures that would make any insta savvy girl weep, boys are always posting pictures with things obstructing their face? Excuse me kind sir but the ENTIRE point of dating apps is to swipe based on looks. It’s shallow and not great, but it is what it is. You like what you like and you swipe right! I think I just came up with Tinder’s newest marketing campaign… @Tinder hire me. I’ve seen so many pictures of guys in football, hockey, or lacrosse helmets, or a swim cap and goggles, copious amounts of eyeblack on their face. We get it, you were a D1 athlete, post your headshot instead? You probably look a lot more swipable in that !!!

The worst part of all of this is that EVERY SINGLE PHOTO WILL BE LIKE THIS. So I literally have no idea who you are and what you look like. Which means I could be swiping left on a potential hottie, or I’m swiping right on someone who I don’t even know what they look like???? Why would I do that? Because I’m desperate, that’s why.

Hats and sunglasses are makeup for men, and that’s the tea sis

You’ve heard it before, and if you haven’t, here it is: hatfishing is real. There are two types of hatfish, and I feel as though they are not talked about enough. Most girls refer to hatfishing as when a guy wears a hat to hide a bad hairline or bald spots, or just bad hair in general. Which I totally understand. But come on! I wear foundation to cover my acne, a guy should be allowed to cover their bald spots if they want! The second kind of hatfish, the one that I am most passionate about, is when guys wears baseball hats so often that you don’t even know what they look like without a hat. Their hair can be fine, they could have a sexy bald head, but if everytime you see them, and every photo on their profile is them wearing a hat, when you see them without a hat, it’s going to be weird. It’s like when someone wears glasses their whole life and you finally see them without them. It’s some psychological thing that I don’t understand and never will understand, but it’s real folks.

If every single photo on a guy’s profile is them wearing a hat you’re going to have some thoughts. It makes you question everything about them based on some photos. You’re going to question what they look like without a hat and wonder what they’re hiding under there. And even if they aren’t hiding a Donald Trump toupee, you’re going to be praying and hoping he doesn’t wear a hat 24/7. It’s a real dilemma for girls and gays alike.

You’re a fisherman, question mark??

What the FUCK is up with the fish pics! There are three things on Tinder that will cause me to IMMEDIATELY swipe left, and only two are personal political opinions.

  1. Any photos with guns, they stress me out
  2. If you are wearing something with a confederate flag… This is just common sense because clearly, we wouldn’t get along anyways!
  3. Fucking pictures of fucking white ass boys holding up dumb ass fish

I’m not gonna lie, I’m a white person, so there are photos of me holding up fish that I have caught that exist in the world. I’m not knocking fishing as a hobby or a sport, I don’t like it personally, I was personally victimized by a fishing rod when I was younger. The hook got stuck in my cheek. Wasn’t a good time. ANYWAYS. Just because I don’t mind the fact that you fish does not fucking mean I need the proof of it! There’s no reason those photos should be on your profile. They violate every single one of the offenses on this list so far: they’re usually bad quality because the sun is always way too bright, they’re far away, and odds are the guy is wearing sunglasses AND a hat, usually a bucket hat, which is always worse than a baseball hat.

Posting pictures with other girls doesn’t make me jealous, it makes you look like a douche

I’m assuming guys put pictures of other girls in their profile the same reason girls post snapchat stories with their guy friends: to make the person they’re trying to mate with jealous. However, in a dating profile, it just doesn’t make any sense. If there’s one picture with another girl in the photo, that’s whatever, maybe you were feeling yourself and knew you look like some hot shit in that picture, go off sis. But if there’s more than one picture with more than one girl, I’m immediately going to think you’re a womanizer and that is left swipe offense. I’m not a jealous person, in reality, if I were to find out you had a bunch of girlfriends, as in friend-friends way not in a sister wives TLC special sort of way, I’m not going to care. BUTTTTT If my immediate first impression of you, on an application designed for me to want to fall in love with you, is that you exclusively hang out with girls I’m going to think that you’re either a closeted gay or have slept with every single one of them and there is literally no in between. There’s no logic or rational in dating apps, it’s not my fault.

Your friend is hotter and I swiped because I thought you were him

This is a real situation that has happened to me. I was basically catfished without being actually catfished. This poor kid wasn’t trying to be dishonest and wasn’t trying to make it seem like he was his friend, at least I don’t think he was because he snapchatted me with his real face shortly after we matched, but I thought he was his hotter friend. Since guys don’t take a lot of pictures of themselves, they have to rely on group photos for their profile. But guess what? All white guys look the same to me so I literally have to guess which one is you. The deadliest combo on a guy’s profile is exclusively group photos and face obstruction pictures. You’re scrolling through their pictures trying to figure out which guy the profile belongs to and you’re putting on you’re FBI hat only to give up and swipe left because you don’t actually care that much. Guys, this is such an easy fix! Have a god damn photo shoot with your bros. Grab your best girl friend for a photographer, put on your most thirst trappy outfit– grey joggers and a black t-shirt or sweatshirt is my personal favorite — and go the fuck off. Make Tyra Banks proud. Throw all of your toxic masculinity out the god damn window and find your mother fucking light, sis.

Wanna turn this into a fun game with your friends? I made a bingo board that you can use at your next girls night in or the next pregame. Just swipe through Tinder or scroll through Hinge!

copy of men take bad photos bingo (1)

((A PSA, I don’t think I’ve ever said sis in real life, I don’t know why I decided to use it so much in this post. I do however call everyone, male and female, ‘girl.’ But whatever, I’mma go off because this is my blog and no one can tell me what to do.))

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