Definitive Ranking Of All The Girl Scout Cookies *Queue Outrage*

Everyone hates winter. Well at least if you live in New England you hate winter. It’s cold, there’s a threat of snow every single day starting in October and it doesn’t end until April, it’s COLD, and it gets dark at like 3 pm. The only redeeming quality of the winter, other than the holidays, are Girl Scout cookies.

Girl Scout cookies are the New England Patriots of cookies. They show up every fall/winter and defy your expectations every time. Every year you think they’re not going to be as great. Every year they’re just as good and somehow better. Sometimes you slip up and sleep on them until the last second, but then you come across a crew of Girl Scouts at your local grocery store and you buy a box and you’re reminded of the absolute GENIUS that is the Girl Scout cookie factories.

I have some hot takes on which Girl Scout cookies are the best, and I am most definitely going to get some hate for this, but you know what? It’s my god damn blog and I will not be here for your slander of Lemonades. This is my ranking of the best Girl Scout cookies. Fair warning, there are a lot of comparisons to football in this? I really don’t know why I landed on it, but I made one comparison to Tom Brady and then I had to go back and add in a dozen more references to football players, teams, and coaches.

9. Trios

Image result for girl scout trios

I’ve never even had these so this is a little unfair, but they’re ranked at the absolute bottom. They’re gluten free so I guess that’s a redeeming quality? Although I asked my mom, who has Celiac – aka she can’t eat gluten – and she said they weren’t very good. So there you have it. Number 9 spot. Trios are the Baker Mayfield’s of the cookies. They’re good, but they have a lot to push through before they can rise to the top.

8. Thin Mints.

Image result for girl scout thin mints

This is my most controversial take of them all. But let me scream it from the rooftops: mint is a horrible flavor and absolutely should not be paired with chocolate. The absolute WORST part about Christmastime is the fact that everyone dumps peppermint and mint into every. Single. Dessert. And it’s a TRASH flavor. Please explain to me why eating things that taste like toothpaste is enjoyable to you??? Don’t actually answer that, I really don’t want to know. I don’t care, just let me be and let me hate Thin Mints. They are so overrated it HURTS. Thin Mints are Eli Manning. The people who love them LOVE them, and the people who hate them hate hard. Yeah, they have some accolades, 2 Super Bowl rings are pretty tight, but what is he up to now? At the end of the day, they’re very average cookies with a stupid amount of hype.

7. Caramel Delites

Image result for caramel delights

Again, an unpopular opinion. But if you don’t like coconut you understand this take. If you are the kind of person that has texture issues when you eat food, coconut is a repeat offender. Shredded coconut has the strangest texture because you can’t really chew it? But you also can’t not chew it? It’s strange. Coupled with the meh flavor, leaves coconut a huge no go for me. The only reason these are ranked higher than Thin Mints is because the coconut flavor and texture is not nearly as offensive as the flavor of mint in Thin Mints. I don’t even have a football comparison for these, sorry, bye.

6. Smores

Image result for girl scouts s'mores

These are meh. They’re not good, not great either. I’m not going to spend $5 on a box any time soon, but if you offer me one I also won’t turn it down. It’s a preseason football game. They don’t really matter, but if someone tosses you free tickets you’re going to go and you’re going to get hammered and watch some god damn football.

5. Shortbread

Image result for girl scouts shortbread cookie

Debatably the worst cookie of all the cookies because of it’s lack of flavor, but I beg to differ, obviously based on this placement. They’re middle of the road, they’re not offensive, and they’re just flavorful enough to satisfy some sugary cravings. These also last forever? Pop them in the freezer and I swear to god they’ll outlast the apocalypse. All that will be left will be Alexa and Shortbread cookies from the Girl Scouts. The Peyton Manning. They’re an OG, pretty good, high accolades, but you love to hate them. 

4. Peanut Butter Sandwich

Image result for girl scouts peanut butter cookies

These are glorified Nutter Butters, but they’re delicious. Picture Jimmy Garappalo as a cookie: you want them to be amazing, you pray and hope every single day that they’re amazing, but in reality, they’re just alright.

3. Peanut Butter Patties

Image result for girl scouts peanut butter cookies

The superior peanut butter cookie. The ratio of chocolate to peanut butter to cookie is damn near PERFECT. Peanut butter desserts will always be in the top type of desserts, sorry for anyone who’s allergic. I don’t wanna say you’re missing out because you definitely know that, but like you’re missing out… Peanut butter and chocolate is a combination better than Titos and Cranberry. Better than a brand new pen and notebook. Better than caramel and coffee. Better than Michelle and Barack. It’s. AMAZING. Honestly, the thought of these cookies is turning me on and I need to go find a Girl Scout to get my fix ASAP. They’re the small white guy receiver on the New England Patriots. The Wes Welkers and the Julian Edelmans. You don’t think that much of them all the time, but then they convert on 3rd down, or run back a kick return, and you’re like oh shit, I’ve missed you, babe.

2. Thanks A Lots

Image result for girl scouts thanks a lot

These cookies are SO underrated. The downfall of this cookie is the shortbread. The idea of a shortbread cookie covered in chocolate gives the wrong impression. It’s so much better than that. It’s like when Tom Brady took over for Drew Bledsoe. Everyone was like who is this 2nd string quarterback and what has he got to give me? But then you give him a chance and 5 Super Bowls later and you’re in love. That’s what happens when you eat a Thanks a Lot. You fall in love. You’re sitting there thinking, “this is gunna be such an average cookie,” but then you take a bite and you’re tastebuds are swirling with the perfect mixture of chocolate and shortbread and you’re eyes widen and there are fireworks going off in your brain, and you’re seriously thinking about leaving your wife and kids for a cookie. That was the longest run-on sentence in the history of this blog, but its straight facts. Thanks A Lots win the award for most underrated Girl Scout cookie without a doubt.

1. Lemonades

Image result for girl scout lemonades

I’m 100% in the minority on this one, but Lemonades SLAP. I remember when they first launched them and I thought, “could it be? A lemon frosted cookie that is both sweet and sour yet somehow delicious?” And it was. The shortbread cookie compliments the sugary tartness of the lemon coating oh so well. The soft crunch of the cookie makes you want to eat the entire sleeve in 30 seconds. I have done that. No shame. I could INHALE a box of Lemonades on any given day. If Thanks A Lots are the rookie Tom Brady of cookies, then Lemonades are Aaron Rodgers. Sat on the bench behind Brett Favre, one of the greats, only to come out and start and turn into one of the greats. Lemonades and Thanks A Lots have been benched behind Thin Mints and Caramel Delites for as long as they’ve been on the market and they are tired of hiding in the dark. They’re out here hoping and praying for a career-ending injury so they can swoop in and win a Super Bowl ring and the season MVP.

Also, I would just like to say that just because I compared Lemonades to Aaron Rodgers and ranked them higher than Tom Brady does NOT mean that Aaron Rodgers > Tom Brady. The rings speak for themselves. Also that MNF this season where Tom Brady came out on top.

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