Since I’ve worked in the recruiting industry for the past three years, I’ve learned a lot about people. People are idiots. No matter what type of education they have, or how much money they make, boiled down to it, people are dumb.
In the past three years, I’ve seen a lot of dumb things. I saw someone list her one day stint as a stripper in Hampton Beach on their resume, I’ve seen people lie about car accidents to get out of work and use Google images of car wrecks to “prove” their accident, and literally everything in between that. One time I had to walk a nurse through how to send an email. Literally had to open my gmail account and teach her how to compose a new electronic piece of mail in the year 2018.
But to this day, the best thing I’ve ever seen was the accidental upload of an Ebook instead of a resume. More people than you think accidentally upload the wrong file to a job application. People have sent phone bills, letters from their lawyers, tax forms, doctor’s notes, you name it. THey always give us a chuckle in our office. It’s a nice break from boring resumes. But this Ebook really took the cake. I was laughing for, no exaggeration, ten minutes. Tears rolling down my face, gasping for breath, falling out of my chair laughing.
The Ebook is called “7 Keys To Attracting the Man Who Will Love, Respect, and Cherish You” by Fawn Gilmore Kraut. Do you see why I was laughing so hard?
What are the 7 Keys you ask? Well I’m not trying to step on my girl Fawn’s toes, but let me tell you anyways. If I get sued, just know it was in the name of content. You can download the book here, maybe me and Fawn can start a beautiful professional relationship over this… Probably not considering the content of this blog, but whatever.
- Notice what you’re attracting
- Live your core values
- Embrace empowering beliefs
- Be your own best lover
- Hold a powerful relationship vision
- Connect with your infinite value
- Be emotionally available
There’s a lot to unpack there. I’d like to first start by pointing out that this guide is for Professional Single Women, so if you’re unprofessional, no can do ladies. Can’t find yourself a man to love and cherish you if you’re unprofessional!! As a professional woman myself, let’s see if I can put these keys to the test and find myself a mans.
Step 1: Notice what you’re attracting
Well I’m attracting no one. That’s mostly a joke. I’m attracting white boys who just want to touch my butt and black guys who get confused when I tell them I’m half black. It’s not a hard concept to grasp, my mom just likes her men like she likes her tea – dark and sweet. Those are her words, not mine. Anyways. We also have the emotionally unavailable guys, but they usually fall into the white guys that just want to touch my butt category. This is going well.
Step 2: Live Your Core Values
Would love to understand what my core values actually are honestly. Do loving the New England Patriots and being passionate about drug store brand makeup count as core values? Because I live those every day of my existence. Fawn says, “you can’t find a guy if you don’t find yourself first” which is basically just the same energy as RuPaul’s, ““If you don’t love yourself, how in the hell you gonna love somebody else?” I like to think I’ve found myself. I’m fucking annoying and sometimes I want to return to sender, but I’m here!
Step 3: Embrace Empowering Beliefs
So I thought this was going to be some type of find Jesus moment, but it ended up being a “figure out what you want, not what other people want from you” moment, which I’m a big fan of. I’ve been working on this, not sure that guys in their 20s care about this at all, but I also don’t think they’re the men Fawn is talking about. Maybe I’ll be able to find myself a hunky 40 year old DILF and live out my dreams of a being a sugar baby and retiring at age 23.
Step 4: Be Your Own Best Lover
Unfortunately not about masturbating. Just about selfcare in general. Although I would argue that masturbating falls into the selfcare box, so take that for what it is. Basically Fawn wants us to treat ourselves the way we want men to treat us. She says buy yourself flowers, tell yourself you love you, and take yourself on vacation, etcetera. Well, I don’t like flowers, I do love myself, and I don’t have money for vacations, so I’ll just stick with my literal take of being my own best lover. Sis, treat yourself and buy a vibrator and the men will come, according to Fawn. At the very least, you will.
Step 5: Hold a Powerful Relationship Vision
I think I’m most confused about this one?? It’s basically just “think about what the ideal relationship is and it will follow.” I’ve been thinking about marrying Julian Edelman since 2009 and that has never happened so this is garbage. I do get it on a deeper level, you won’t get what you want if you don’t know what you want. But as someone who’s never been in a long term relationship I quite literally don’t know what I want. So we’re just going to skip this step. I hope it’s not detrimental.
Step 6: Connect With Your Infinite Value
Big fan of this one!! Having a significant other can add value to your life, but it doesn’t add value to who you are as a person. You already are a whole person and you’re already dope as fuck, adding a boyfriend ain’t gunna change that. I need to practice what I preach over here, but you know it’s fine. It’s easy to forget that you don’t need to be in a relationship to be happy when the world kind of just shoves that down everyone’s throats. The single, 30 year old crazy woman is a TV and movie trope for a reason… But yeah, I’m working on this one. I know I’m a bad bitch, but sometimes a bad bitch needs some validation, you feel me?
Step 7: Be emotionally available
DUH. I feel like this should be targeted to the men not the women. I’m emotionally available as shit!!! It’s the guys that I like that aren’t. Too much trauma from high school girlfriends that were mean to them and girls way out of their league not liking them back. Guys have one breakup and decide that their tiny little hearts can’t handle it and just turn everything off. It’s like Daddy Issues but less sexy.
Do I have a mans yet? Still no? KK. Glad we’re all on the same page. I guess Fawn offers free love sessions and that’s the next step after you read her book, so maybe I’ll be scheduling one of those for the future.
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