About a month ago, on May 1st to be exact, I wrote the below blog. I never posted it, I didn’t even read it again until right now, but holy fucking SHIT, I was a sad sack of shit !!! I really need to see a therapist because this is wild. But anyways, I’m sharing with you because guess what: not miserable anymore!!! Well, not as miserable. I quit my job – more to come on this – and I’m about to live out my summer chilling pool side figuring out my life. My love life still sucks, but eh, it’s always sucked and I’ve survived this far.
I wanted to share this blog because I’m a big advocate for showing everything on social media. I hate the “Instagram is just a highlight reel!” mantra. I hate that people truly make their lives seem exponentially better on social media than they are. If you’re going to post the good you have to show the bad too. This was a BAD day. I went to the movies after work this day and I CHUGGED a MARTINI in maybe 45 seconds because of how stressed out I was – Kelly and Anna can attest to this. So this was the bad.
Just know that I, Sarah Thompson, am an embarrassing, sometimes sad, probably a little broken, human, but I’m still living my best life. So enjoy this blog. Hopefully it gives you some laughs, because it gave me some. Have this (mostly) unedited manuscript from my worst day.
I had to edit some stuff out, I was WILDIN’ the fuck out and really don’t need all of that on social media… but it was only one or two lines I promise. There’s still like a thousand fucking words here.
I’m fucking miserable. That’s my life update. I hate my job. My love life is in the toilet. My social life sucks. I’m tired all the time. I need a fucking therapist.
I’ve been sitting at my desk at work for the past two hours trying not to burst into tears. I’ve been listening to my favorite podcasts and blasting Lizzo in my headphones in an attempt to not walk out and never come back. I haven’t spoken a word to anyone since I got back from lunch because I’m scared that if I start talking I’ll just burst into tears. I can feel it in the back of my throat and I’m counting the seconds until I can get to my car and speed home to cry to my friends.
I’m annoyed and frustrated with my job right now. I don’t ever want to go and the second I get to work I cannot wait to leave. I’ve been applying to jobs since November and I’ve had one interview. One. I’m applying to jobs that I’m overqualified for, internships even, and nothing. It’s wildly discouraging and I’m starting to rethink my plan to work in marketing. It’s been something I’ve wanted to do since High School but somehow it’s just not working. I want to like my job. I don’t even need to love it, I just need to like it. I hate it right now. I’m doing things that aren’t related to marketing, and even when I am doing marketing things I have no desire to do them. I have no passion for staffing and recruiting and it’s making me hate marketing. And up until this point I used to live and breathe marketing. I’m a fucking marketing nerd. I took every single marketing class that there was to offer in school, I read blogs and articles about marketing, I follow marketing influencers. I’m a fucking freak. But lately I want nothing to do with it. If I’m not at work I want nothing to do with marketing because that’s what I do all day everyday. I never used to be like this. I want to get back to loving marketing again. I want to love writing again. I don’t want to wake up every day hating my life.
Guess what. That’s not even the half of it. My love life stinks too – shocking, I know. I know I don’t need a guy to validate me as a person, but jesus fucking christ can someone just love me back!? I’ve been on one date, and it went horribly, partly my fault, but also his. At this point I’m concerned that I have an invisible tattoo that says “don’t fuck her, you’ll turn into stone.” I just don’t know what’s going on. All the guys that do like me I don’t like back for one reason or another and whenever I do like a guy something gets in the way. I’ve been messaging this guy on Hinge for WEEKS and not one mention of asking me out or anything. He literally has not made one attempt to bring it out of the app and into real life and at this point I’m starting to get concerned that I’m talking to a bot and that my life is just so sad that my FBI agent made this fake boy up so that I could pretend to feel something for once in my life. It’s been two years since the one guy who I thought really liked me stood me up for my formal, and I honestly don’t think I’ve been a functioning person since. There’s a lot more to that story that I’m not going to dive into right now, but the gist is that I’m still reaping the repercussions from it. I’m self diagnosing myself as a broken human being. Am I being dramatic? Probably, but have you met me?
I probably sound so fucking stupid complaining about this right now.
But you know what, I don’t even fucking care. My problems are fucking valid, and I can cry and write a dumb ass blog about them if I want to. Every day after work I just want to go home and crawl into a ball and never return. I feel like I’m a burden to my friends and I hate asking them to hang out because I feel like I’m forcing them to. I feel annoying and like no one likes me. And my life quite literally revolves around people liking me. I want people to think I’m funny and nice and outgoing and caring and kind and I want people to tell me and everyone they know those things about me. I want them to read my blogs and like my tweets and my Instagram posts. I want people to care about what I say.
I don’t even know if I’ll ever post this blog. At this point I’m just trying to write out all my feelings in an attempt to not blow up on my friends and family and the people who do actually care about me. I’m about to leave work in 7 minutes (told you I was counting the seconds) and I’m going to see Avengers Endgame with two of my very best friends. I’m going to cry for three hours straight and I don’t know if it’s about my life or if it’s going to be about the movie. I just don’t even know what to do anymore. I’m known for being an optimistic and overall happy person and my overall demeanor has done a 180 lately. I don’t want to hang out with people, I don’t want to do things, I’m not positive about anything anymore. I want to cry about 99% of the time. I don’t even have the motivation to write blogs anymore. I want to write so many things, but I can’t even find the words to be funny. I use humor as a defense and coping mechanism but apparently my life sucks so badly that I can’t even do that. The lump in my throat is slowly getting bigger. 4 minutes until I can go home.
I just wrote a thousand words about how much I hate my life right now. I don’t know if that’s impressive or sad. Mostly sad.
Three minutes until home.
Part of me wants to quit my job this summer. Just quit July 1st and not think about working for the summer for once in my life. Every summer since I graduated high school I’ve been working full time and worried about saving money for college. I’d still be worried about money, but worried about being able to have fun on a budget or being able to pay my mom for my cell phone bill and my student loans.
5 pm. Time to go home
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