Not Your Momma’s Advice for Your Freshman Year of College

This tweet popped off on Twitter and I’m almost five years out on my freshman year of college, but you know what, I got some god damn ADVICE. And it’s not advice you’re going to get from anyone else. It’s good shit. The shit that will actually help you, and you make your life more fun and save you money. Your mom isn’t going to write this in a dramatic Facebook post after your family drops you off. Buckle your seat belts babycakes, let’s gooooooo.

If you stay up late enough, you can go to the dining hall for “breakfast” before going to bed

I mean, think about it. You’re out partying until 6am, the dining hall probably opens at 7 or 8. Just stay up that extra hour and get yourself some cereal, perhaps a waffle, drink a shit ton of water. Lessen your hangover, and get a meal in since you will inevitably miss breakfast due to waking up at 2pm.

You’re going to skip class, be smart about it. 

I’m not going to lie, I skipped class all the fucking time. But you gotta be smart about it. Most of my classes had a number of days you could skip before you lose a letter grade or some shit. So write it down when you skip so you remember how many you have left!!! And look at the syllabus and figure out which days are best to skip. Days after tests, review days (if you don’t need the review), group presentation days. Try to plan ahead too. There’s going to be days near the end of spring semester where all you want to do is day drink and skip class – hopefully this wasn’t just a me thing – if you missed a bunch of classes to sleep, you won’t be able to miss class to drink. Priorities!

Buy a god damn full-length mirror

I didn’t have a full-length mirror and always had to use my roommates and honestly, I don’t even know how I survived four years. I would have to barge into my roommates’ rooms and share theirs. Shocked we didn’t get into more fights about it.

Toothpaste takes highlighter and sharpie off your skin

Blacklight/highlighter parties are a college staple, but the clean up is a disaster. My freshman year a bunch of girls on my floor went to a blacklight party at the men’s lacrosse house, and were written all over in yellow highlighter. Notably, “UML Lax” across their tits. All well and fine, they had themselves a grand ole time. The next day they showered and thought everything was fine until we showed up at a frat party and the highlighter was still on their chest… If they had used a shit ton of toothpaste, it wouldn’t have been there still!!!!

Don’t even think about buying books before classes start. 

Not only is there the possibility that you’ll drop the class, but also, so many professors truly don’t use the books for their classes. I took 5 or 6 classes a semester, for four years, and probably bought a total of 5 books. And of those 5 books I probably truly used 2 of them, and one of them was a math class that had the homework in the books. You’ll usually be able to gauge based on the syllabus and how your professor talks about the book whether or not you’ll need it. If you do need it, do some Googling for a PDF before you commit to buying it. And if you absolutely need to buy it, under no circumstances should you buy it from your college bookstore, unless it’s quite literally only sold at the bookstore.

Buy a shit ton of underwear and socks so you don’t have to do laundry 

If you go to a school with free laundry, ignore this, but if you’re at a public school and it costs six god damn dollars to do a load of laundry, this will save you some coin – literally. Wanna know how often I did laundry at school? My mom bought me a jug of laundry detergent my freshman year. I brought that same jug to school every single year and brought it home with detergent still in the jug when I graduated. I did everything possible to not do laundry at school. Going home for the weekend? Laundry. Friend doing laundry? Asked them to wash a top and my favorite underwear for the weekend. Going to visit a friend who has free laundry? Bring it. Have a friend with a washer and dryer in their apartment? Hang out with them and do laundry. Now that I’m writing this, I think one of my biggest skills was not paying for laundry at school. I’m amazing. Also if you go to a school that plays quarters instead of beer pong, just steal the quarters from parties. You’ll end up making a pretty decent profit.


I’m sorry but I am so passionate about this. Unless you work a legit full time job and take full time classes, and have a full social life, you do not need to pull all nighters and you do not need to wait until the god damn last minute to finish your shit!!!!!!!!!!!!! Maybe I’m just a god damn genius, but I only ever pulled 2 or 3 all nighters and it was mostly because I had to wake up wicked early, like 5am early, so I figured I’d say fuck it and just stay up and study or write a paper. At the beginning of each semester write down all the important due dates in a calendar and then each week figure out what the fuck you need to do. Have a test and a paper due to the same day? Do the paper earlier in the week when you have nothing going on! I know it’s hard, but girllllll, it’ll save your ass, I PROMISE.

Buy a going out backpack 

I didn’t do this until my senior year, but it was a game changer. I brought a backpack out whenever I went to house parties. Before senior year I would just use my normal backpack and switch out my school stuff for alcohol every Thursday. But once I bought a cheapo backpack from 5 Below, it made my life so much easier. What the fuck do you need a backpack for?? Not only was it easier to carry alcohol, but I kept a phone charger, deodorant, my lipstick, my jacket in the winter, gum, and my wallet. I was a god damn boy scout. Always prepared for anything. You name a scenario, I probably had a solution in my backpack. It was a lifesaver.

Have Fun.

Go out there and prosper my little cherubs. Have a god damn BLAST. I’m not saying college was the best four years of my life, I’ve certainly had just as much fun out of college, but you will quite literally never have this much freedom and free time ever again. I was in class at most, 4 hours a day. That leaves 20 more hours to binge Netflix with my roommates, or to try to learn the rules to True American from New Girl, or to go on adventures to get piercings. Stay up late because you can. There were so many days where my roommates and I would stay up until 5 or 6 in the morning because we got into Youtube holes. You can do that after college too, but when you’re graduated you have to get up and go to work for 8+ hours the next day. Go to the day drink, go to the costume party, stay up and hang out with the girls on your floor. Have. Fun.

So have fun, make some bad decisions, meet new people, and god damn it make sure you manage your time so that you CAN make bad decisions! Cheers to four of the best years of your life, but also cheers to meeting the best people so that you’ll be able to have fun out of college. Kill it out there, kiddos.

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