Celibate and The Suburbs: No New (boy)Friends

Wow, another sad post from Sarah about how she’s single. Barf. Just so you’re aware, I’m just as annoyed with me as you are. But the evil content machine that is internet stardom demands blogs, so here’s a god damn blog about the only thing I’m an expert on: being sad and alone.

In the year 2019, how the fuck are you supposed to meet a guy? All of the couples I know met in one of the following scenarios:

  • School
  • Work
  • Friend of a friend
  • dating app

Well, I’m out of school, work from home, have no friends, and I am too terrified to actually go on a date with anyone from a dating app. Am I destined to die alone? I’m being dramatic, I have friends, the rest of it is all true though. Unless I want to start dating my Patriot’s pillow pet, I’m shit out of luck.

Anytime I go out, even if I do talk to a guy, there’s never anything more. Wanna know why? Because I have 0 clue how the fuck to flirt. My go-to flirting style is being a complete bitch.

I mean, people always joke about this, but one time I told a guy he looked like a 70s porn star with his new glasses, and I think the word pedophile was thrown around. I wanted to crawl into a hole immediately. I word vomit insults like there’s no tomorrow. Which is strange, because I’m an overly nice person, so why do I revert to a world-class see you next Tuesday when I’m trying to get a guy to fall in love with me?

If I’m not dishing out insults, I’m fumbling over my words and just saying something dumb. Is it possible to have a relationship with out talking to your significant other? Because I think that’s the only way I’m going to be able to carry out a relationship. Either that or I’m going to have to make a huge life change and start dating girls. Girls I can talk to, and girls think I’m hot, sooooo maybe that’s not my worst idea? The gay agenda is lesbians telling me I’m pretty and making me regret liking men. If being gay was a choice there is no way in hell I’d be straight. Men are trash, and women don’t use 3 in 1 shampoo.

This went to a weird place. Well, cheers to being single forever. I guess it’s my brand at this point.

Image result for sex and the city quotes about men

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