We all know I’m a Lizzo stan, but did you know your girl used to be a Kidz Bop stan?? This was mostly because my parents are wildly overprotective and didn’t want us listening to swears. Me, my siblings, and my cousins would perform music videos and Kidz Bop, Now That’s What I Call Music, and the Black Eyed Peas were our go to albums.

I haven’t listened to a Kidz Bop song since I was about 9, but I have just listened to maybe the worst thing I’ve ever heard in my life, other than Love Lockdown by Kanye West. Kidz Bop covering Truth Hurts. A song about hating men and not being a side chick. Covered by a bunch of prepubescent nose pickers.

Our good friends over at KB are known for changing lyrics to make them clean and appropriate for young ears, I never thought they would even touch a song by Lizzo. She hates on men, talks about sex, and drops swears and innuendos all the god damn time. Kidz Bop damn near wrote a new song with the same beats as Truth Hurts.

“Why you great til you gotta be great”

We’re just switching up the entire message of the song! It’s about how men are trash!! Not how YOU are trash. You are probably fine, unless you are a man, in which case you’re absolutely not fine. I get we probably shouldn’t teach young children that men aren’t great, but also we SHOULD be teaching young children that men aren’t great. Maybe all the girls will grow up as lesbians and we can eradicate the male population. This could be the start of something wonderful.

“I just took a DNA test, turns out I’m 100% that kid, even when I’m crying crazy. Yeah, I got some problems, that’s the human in me.”

I just… The most iconic line in any song ever? And they destroyed it. They only changed 2 words, but it’s absolutely destroyed. Kid’s cry all the god damn time, so that part is stupid. And again, boy problems are the point of the god damn song! OF course you have some problems, everyone’s got problems, but all of those problems share the same common denominator: men. They cancel out men like a 4th-grade fraction worksheet. Eradicating the male population doesn’t sound too bad does it!

“You could’ve had a good friend, non-commital.”

I don’t even want to talk about this one. I know I wasn’t going to hear a bunch of preteens scream, “you could’ve had a bad bitch, non-commital” but a girl can dream.

“New ones like the Minnesota Vikings”

This makes no god damn sense and I know the writers over at Kidz Bop just pulled this one out of their fucking ass cracks. I can’t even fathom how they decided that this was the line. They couldn’t say “New friend on the Minnesota Vikings,” or “New coach for the Minnesota Vikings.” OR LITERALLY ANYTHING ELSE. The Vikings aren’t new! That shit makes no sense. God I hate this god damn fucking company

“I’m glad you’re back with your friends, I mean who would ever hide this? I will never ever ever want it like that”

I am going to jump into a flaming building. Want what like what? What is it? What is that? “I will never ever ever ever be your side friend” or “your backup” or “fake friend”  are appropriate and make fucking SENSE and follow the same amount of syllables as “be your side chick.” Can someone at Kidz Bop fucking hire me? I’ve been writing lyrics for a grand total of 5 minutes and they’re already better than the dog crap you’re selling. Where’s my Grammy nom?

“So you can tell your friend, ‘shoot your shot’ when you see ’em. It’s okay, he already knows my feelings.”

Is this the best for last? Maybe, it’s for sure not as bad as new ones on the Minnesota Vikings, but it’s pretty god damn rough. This technically makes the most sense? He already knows my feelings is kinda a sick burn? You’re basically telling this ‘friend’ that you like his friend over him. It’s a spin zone, but you know what, we needed to salvage something from this god awful song. You’re at the bar, and you’re fighting with your hookup. You dump a drink in his lap and slyly say, “So you can tell your friend, ‘shoot your shot’ when you see ’em. It’s okay, he already knows my feelings,” and then you walk right out of the bar. Kind of amazing? I think Lizzo would approve. Maybe.

Listen, if you want a good laugh, watch this dumb ass lyric video. Just know, nothing is worse in this song than the sounds of several shrill children saying “bling bling” and trying to hit Lizzo’s iconic background vocals at the end of the song. I’ll take “What is the worst cover in the world,” for $300, please! 

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