I’m back to my roots ladies and gents; making large generalizations about the male gender in order to make fun of them!! I’ve made dating app bingo cards before, but as I was bored and scrolling through Hinge I realized that we needed a Hinge specific one. There were just so many repeated and boring and lame answers I wanted to claw my eyes out.
Other than the ‘Tom Brady’ box, I feel like these will be very relatable to any girl scrolling through Hinge. You genuinely cannot get through more than 3 or 4 profiles without seeing at least one of these offenders, and there’s probably well more than that. Girls thirst trap with bikini pics and cleavage, guys thirst trap with pictures of babies and dogs.
Typical Sunday: Football
I mean, same, but that’s not in my profile. I’m under the assumption that most guys are spending their Sundays in the fall and winter watching football. You don’t need to tell me that.
Just… why? What data do men have that show that it works to attract a mate? Maybe there’s a subset of girls that are really into that, but I’ve genuinely never met a girl that wasn’t annoyed when a guys dating profile had fish in their hands?
Group picture and you can’t tell who he is
This aggravates me to no end. I don’t want to have to guess who the fuck you are!
You’ll know I like you if: I text you back
I would fucking hope so… Just text me back anyways!
We get it, you’re a manly man that is a) a sports fan b) plays sports c) used to play sports.
Tacos and Margs
I’ve decided this is the absolute most basic thing in the world because who on earth doesn’t like tacos or margs? Find me someone who doesn’t enjoy one of those even just a little bit! I fucking love tacos and margaritas, but I don’t need you to say that in your dating profile. If anything you should only mention it if you DON’T like them.
Maybe I’m just a hater of all outdoor activities, but these bore me so much. Hiking isn’t a personality trait. And I most certainly don’t want to decide to talk to over a far away picture of you backward on some mountain in New Hampshire.
Zoomed in cropped photo
I get that guys don’t have pictures but do we have to pull the old school Facebook stunt and crop and zoom in on group photos?
After work you’ll find me: at the gym
“not my kid”
I actually like knowing this information, but find it hilarious every time someone makes it their caption on a dating app.
sports helmet obscuring their face
We get it, you play(ed) sports. But like bro, I don’t care about that if I can’t see your fucking face!!!!
Same mindset as the god damn fish pictures. I just don’t care.
pictures with pretty girls
Is it your best friend? Your sister? A cousin? An ex? I just wanna know why you thought posting a picture with other girls would help you get with other fat girls? Do you think because we see you can get with other pretty girls we’ll put more value in that? Girls are pyscho – they don’t want to know that shit!
I’m overly competitive about: everything
This right here is the worst dating app answer ever and deserves it’s own blog post.
picture from a wedding
Just more proof that guys never take photos ever so they make all of their pictures from that one time they were in a wedding last summer.
Picture at a sports stadium
Stadium in the background, beer in hand, jersey on. Classic.
Tom Brady is an answer
This is very much specific to New England but it is quite literally every other answer on Hinge.
Something about having a sense of humor
I just assume any guy who demands their girlfriend has a sense of humor is an asshole who thinks his asshole behaviors are jokes and that girls that can’t take the heat just don’t have a sense of humor.
I geek out on: Marvel, Star Wars, Harry Potter
I feel like most people geek out on these things? They’ve become so mainstream that nerd culture surrounding them isn’t even weird anymore. When hot girls like this shit too, you know it’s not lame.
Same photo more than once
I cannot emphasize this enough: just take more photos of yourself Jesus fucking christ.
All these and more can be found on Hinge. I feel so bad for straight girls. We’re really living a cursed life, huh? My toxic trait is being attracted to men. Pray for us.
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