Cyclists Need Not Apply

Yesterday, as I was driving to Starbucks, a cyclists, a fucking cyclist, cut me off at a red light. He just swooped right in front of me, hanging out on his dumbass bike, waiting for the light to be green. Completely and utterly ignoring the bike lane, not a single care for his life apparently. I drive a fucking minivan, it’s basically just a giant box on wheels, he would’ve been smushed if I wasn’t an impecable driver.

It made me so fucking angry that I have simply decided that I hate cyclists. As my roommate said last night, “cycling isn’t a hobby, it’s a lifestyle choice,” and it fucking is, and I fucking hate it with every ounce of my being. You see a cyclists out riding and they think they own the road. They’re reckless, and annoying and every single time I see one I want to scream because they are in the middle of the fucking road simply being god damn annoying as FUCK.

I just never in my life have understood the need to bike in the middle of the fucking road, especially when there is a perfectly fucking good bike lane. No bike lane? Okay at least that’s somewhat understandable, but this fucking asshole HAD A BIKE LANE and was IGNORING IT. It was a busy fucking intersection and he was sitting in the middle of it, on a fucking BIKE. A bicycle!!!! There are cars zipping past and this man thought he could just sit in the street with a two wheeled vehicle powered by his legs. His skinny little white boy legs got nothing on my 2008 Honda Odyssey.

I think what annoys me the most about cyclists is that it’s almost exclusively white men. Maybe that’s mostly because I live in Boston, or mostly because what other person has the level of confidence and audacity to do shit that cyclists do like a fucking white man? Whenever I think of cyclists I think of the opening scene of What’s Your Number when the Zachary Quinto is a stuck up vegan, and he leaves Ana Faris’s apartment with his helmet on his head and his bike tire over his shoulder like a purse. I mean, can you think of anything more annoying? It cracks me up and infuriates me every single time I watch it (which FYI, check out my podcast, Celibate and the Suburbs, I’m talking about What’s Your Number? in the season 2 opener).

Maybe I hate anything that gives white men joy? Perhaps, PERHAPS, I don’t want them to enjoy life. Maybe???? Most activities I hate are pretty much white men activities. Other people participate in them, but you know most of your white guy friends also participate and won’t shut up about them. Video games, skiing, hiking, fishing. God, fucking fishing. Get me the fuck out of here if there’s fishing involved. And no that has nothing to do with the trauma of getting a fish hook stuck in my face one time (true story, but a true story for another day).

At the end of the day, I decided that there are very few hobbies that men have that I refuse to deal with in a dating sense. Everything else they can simply do without me, and it doesn’t entirely impact their personality. But cyclists? Absolutely fucking not. No fucking way. Cyclists need not apply. First off, dating someone who’s chosen mode of transportation does not include a seat for me is just absurd. And then logistically, I have nowhere to put a fucking bike at my apartment, so that is certainly not happening. The embarrassment of having to tell my friends I was seeing a man who’s biggest personality trait is riding a bike would simply crush me the way his balls are probably crushed.

I pride myself in being a very tolerant person. I genuinely don’t care what most people do as long as they’re not being overall dicks, or hurting anyone. But I draw the line at fucking cyclists because you know what, they are in fact being overall dicks, and they’re hurting my fucking soul. This is an anti-cycling, anti-racist, anti-Will Schuester website.

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