What’s up party people? I have here one of the cringiest, funniest, most absurd first date story in the history of first date stories. When Lifetime or Netflix inevitably makes a Covid RomCom, this story will be a part of the plot.

I went on a Bumble date the other day. He was so incredibly nice, but unfortunately it’s not going to work out, so here I am spilling the tea. We went to a bar/restaurant in Boston, and had a nice enough time. After the date he asked if I wanted to go for a walk, which seemed like a good idea until we walked outside and it was basically a fucking tornado. I had on a wrap skirt, an actual wrap skirt, meaning it was literally just a piece of fabric tied around my waist, so there was a huge slit in it that kept blowing up. So here I am, trying to hold my skirt down, while bracing myself from the wind. I was about to be whisked away to Oz at this point, so I was like uh I need to get up early tomorrow I think I’m going to call an Uber.

You’re probably thinking, Sarah, that isn’t that bad? Well guess what, that’s not the story.

We’re standing in front of the restaurant, basically standing right in front of the Bobby Orr statue. I was standing next to him, his arm was around me, and I had the Uber app open, trying to track my ride. Why we didn’t get in the same car I don’t know. We live in the same part of town, and finding Ubers in Boston right now is wildly difficult. But alas, we got two separate rides. His uber got there first, even though I ordered mine first, rude, but whatever. So he goes to say goodbye and gives me a hug.

This is where disaster strikes.

I’m not sure what I was trying to accomplish, but I moved my head to look up at him, I think to say bye again, but honestly I blacked out why I did it because the second I looked up, he kissed me. On the mouth. But the gag is, I never took off my mask. We had been standing outside for quite some time, and I had my mask on the entire time. When he took his off, I’m not entirely sure. The second it happened, I let go of the hug and started hysterically laughing. Which, in hindsite, probably didn’t make him feel great about himself, but I was laughing at the situation, not at him.

How on EARTH this happened, I’m not sure. He said he was going in for a forehead kiss, but who gives a forehead kiss on a first date. Regardless, after I finally composed myself, I took my mask down and kissed him for real, and he got in his Uber and left.

But wait. It gets fucking better. Or worse? I’m not sure.

Remember how I said I had my phone open next to him? Once we had left the restaurant I had texted my friends to update them on how the date was going, obviously. And as we were standing there, waiting, both looking at my phone, one of my friends texted me “did u guys kiss” and I am 100% certain he saw it. I swiped away quickly and shoved my phone to the side, but there’s no way he didn’t see it. Which is probably what prompted the awkwardness of him trying to kiss me anyways. So there’s that.

Bobby Orr’s statue was like “oh my fucking god.”

So the next time you’re on a first date, please think of me. Think of this incredibly awkward and cringe and fucking hysterical story.