I promise all my blogs won’t be just about my lack of experience, but it’s been on my mind lately so that’s what you’re going to get.
Last week, I told you, the world, and I guess at least sixty-eight thousand people that I lost my virginity at 25. I’ve been a late bloomer in the dating department my entire life. I had my first kiss at 18, I’ve still never been in a relationship, everything is just “late.” I put late in quotations because who’s to say what is on time and what is late for people? Things happen at different paces for everyone, there’s no right or wrong time to start dating, to kiss someone, to lose your virginity.
There’s a lot of pressure put on people to do things at a certain time, that if you haven’t completed certain tasks that you’re the one in the wrong. That you’re the weirdo. And if you’re like me and have minimal dating experience, minimal sexual experience, while most – if not all – of the people around you are the exact opposite, it can be tough. And while I think you are completely normal if you’re one of these people, I understand why you feel like you’re not. Because as much as I try to tell myself I am in fact normal and fine, sometimes it is hard to believe it.
It’s hard to think you’re normal when your experience isn’t the norm… It’s rather contradictory. But even if we aren’t the norm, we can be normal. I keep saying we, as if everyone reading this is in the same boat, knowing full well you’re not. Not everyone is going to relate 100% to me, whether you’re not a late bloomer, you’re a late bloomer who is now super experienced, or you’re a late bloomer yet to experience it. My life is my own, and my experiences are my own. Take a shot for every time I say experience… But it’s true. We’re all normal because we aren’t all the same. No two people can live the same exact life, whether it’s dating-wise or otherwise. So my losing my virginity, and having an adult first kiss, are normal, they’re normal for me. Even if I have to keep reminding myself that.
As a certified hopeless romantic, it’s hard to look at my life and see the lack of actual romance in it. It gets hard to only read about romantic gestures and activities in books. And I don’t just mean sex – I mean all of it. The good morning texts, the anniversary gifts, the small “I saw this and thought of you” texts. I’m not trying to be all sad bitter lonely single girl, that’s not my point here. It’s that I’ve never experienced it, not that I’m not currently experiencing it. I’ve never had a person tell me how much they love or care about me in anything more than a platonic way. I am loved by so many people in my life, I am so incredibly privileged for the friends and family in my life, but none of that has ever been romantic. Not once in my 25 almost 26 years of life has it been romantic.
It’s easy for someone who has been in a relationship to say to me “you’ll find your person!” “It’ll happen when you least expect it!” and all that other bullshit. Which is hardly helpful. It’s a cliche for a reason, and I hate it. Because it’s simply not going to happen when I least expect it because at this point, it’s almost as if I don’t expect it at all. Because the past would say that’s the truth. I know it’s not, but it very often feels that way.
And while I’m emo about my lack of romantic past, I’m also fucking terrified of only having one relationship in my life.
That sounds crazy, but the idea of marrying my next – and only – relationship terrifies me. Not in a I don’t know who they are kind of way, but almost in a “I’m missing out” kind of way. I’ve never hard my heart broken, never been broken up with, never had to break up with someone. It terrifies me that I don’t even know how I’d react in a breakup. It terrifies me that I don’t know how I’ll act in a relationship. I like to think that I’ll only accept what’s best for me, or that I won’t drop all my friends for a guy, but I’ve literally never been able to confirm it.
At the end of the day, I won’t know. My next relationship may not be my last – which sounds way more haunting that I meant it to – but it will be my first. The exciting and optimistic news of this otherwise off brandly pessimistic post, is that I have a whole lot of firsts ahead of me. So I’ll leave you with that. If you’re a late bloomer like me, just know we have things to look forward to. It’ll happen – eventually. If we want it to, it’ll happen.
So for now, we’re here. We’re single. We’re thriving? I’d say we’re thriving. We’re still trying to have a chaotic girl spring. We’re PMSing and that’s why this whole post is a mess and also emo as fuck. And we’re signing off before we say anything else embarrassing, to again, at least 68 thousand fucking people. God damn it who let me have internet fame.
Love you besties, Sarah