The Current State of the Union: Chaotic Girl Summer

If you were a cool girl who read in middle school, you most certainly read the Clique books. I was such Clique fan that my AIM screen name was ADMItsSarah because Alicia used to say ADM instead of OMG – for ay dios mio. And if you were a Clique fan you know where I’m going with this post. If you’re not a fan, the main character, Massie Block, a certified Hot Girl, and baddie, wrote a diary entry called The Current State of the Union in which she made a list of what was in and out. So I present to you, the Current State of the Union for this Chaotic Girl Summer.

Hot Girl summer isn’t over, it’s expanded. Chaotic Girl Summer is a time to be a menace to society, and by society, I mean men, or women if that’s who you’re attracted to, but I’m not quite sure we need to be making women’s lives harder these days. But men? We can fuck up their lives a little but.

In: Thirst Traps, Bellies, Green Tea Shots, Nipples. Out: Caring, Commitment, Blacking Out, Snapchat. Easy peezee.

Thirst Traps, we know them, we love them, we appreciate them. We’re doing more of them this summer. Mirror pics, poolside poses, beachy bums, saucy selfies, you name it, you post it. Instagram posts, stories, snapstories (yes I know I said Snapchat was out, we’ll get to that), fucking hell, post them on Facebook for all I care. But how do we make this chaotic? First off, we will be posting absolute STUNNING photos only. That’s not to say that every photo of you won’t be stunning, but we are posting the thirtstiest, the sluttiest, the boobies, the belliest, the assiest, pictures we fucking can, because we fucking can. And then on top of that, when you post a particularly great one, and you know you want that someone, maybe not so special to see it, you fucking text them. Send them a text. Tell them, “hey, there’s a really good picture of me up on Instagram right now just in case you wanted to check it out.” And then let it happen. Let them know that yes, you want them to see it, but also that you were so hot the rest of the world had to see it too.

Bellies. We are going bellies OUT this summer. We are not hiding them, because guess what, my big ass belly cannot be hidden in shapewear, it’s going to be out no matter what, so why not just do it purposefully. I’ve been on a new self-love journey with my belly lately, and I oh so wish I could say it was easy. And I REALLY wish I could say it wasn’t partly because of a man that I like my belly now… But here we are. Honestly, it takes one person telling me something I’m insecure about is hot, and I’m sold. Like so incredibly sold. Like truly now I think my belly is one of the hottest things about me. So shout out to him – and if you’re him and reading this, don’t let this shit go to your head.

Green Tea Shots are the drink of the summer. The New York Times declared it the summer of the Dirty Shirley, but I’m declaring it the green tea shot summer. I’ll be getting into how I don’t actually want to drink that much this summer in a bit, BUT what I will be doing is green tea shots because they’re delicious and because it’s a mixed shot they don’t hit as hard, but just enough to keep you tipsy and bubble. Made just right they don’t taste like anything at all, and THAT is what I love about them. Buy them in rounds, buy them by the bucket – and if that is allowed please let me know where.

Nipples are this summers hottest accessory. I could’ve put bras in the out column because that’s basically what’s happening here. I 100% understand that not all the girlies can go braless, but for the ones that can, please do. I haven’t worn a real bra – as in not a sports bra – in MONTHS. I wore one for about an hour during a hookup a month or so ago, and that was the first time in like a year probably. Like, I’m back in the office and I haven’t worn a bra there once. That being said – we are putting our nips out for the world to see. FREE THE NIPPLE! I got these bitches pierced THREE separate times – I’m not letting it go to waste. Also, take this as your sign to get your nipples pierced, it hurts way less than you think it will, and the payoff is top tier.

We are not caring one single ounce this summer. We aren’t caring about what people think, we aren’t caring about what the consequences are – okay maybe just a little. But for the most part we aren’t caring. And we most certainly are not caring about what men fucking think. Who fucking cares about them?

Commitment? Don’t know her. I mean, pretty easy for me to say fuck commitment when it’s not currently anywhere near a possibility right now… but fuck commitment! Unless you are already in a committed relationship, in which case, remain in that as long as you are happy. But if you’re single? You best be ready to mingle. Mingle your little hearts out, who cares if it goes anywhere? Remember, we’re not caring this summer. Have yourself a fling, have yourself a first date that leads nowhere. Have yourself a Hinge conversation that never leaves the app. I’m on a mission to go on at least one first date this summer. I’m setting the bar quite literally as low as possible so that if I do miss it, it won’t be that upsetting – but one date. That’s all I want. One free meal, the potential for a great story, that’s all a first date is.

We will not be blacking out this summer. At least not all the time. Over the last year or so I’ve really taken a step back and looked at what my drinking habits looked like. Why was I drinking? Did I even enjoy it? Was it just to fit in? I realized that I could have just as much fun being tipsy or basically sober, as I could absolutely trashed – and save myself a three day hangover. Drinking is expensive, it’s not great for you, and it makes me say stupid shit, so cutting back wasn’t the biggest issue for me. I’m absolutely not here to judge anyone who likes to drink and get smashed, I’m just simply saying: take a step back and try slowing down. I think if you’re my age, in your late twenties, you’ll see that the hangovers are typically worth it, and you’ll still be the bell of the ball even if you’ve only had one vodka soda and 2 green tea shots. Which honestly, would get me pretty fucked up anyways. I’ll still be drinking, I did say green tea shots were in obvi, but just not as frequently or at the capacity that I usually do in the summer. I want to be able to roll out of bed at 8am, trek to my parents pool, and not look like I slept for 2 hours in my bikini pics!

I’m 25 I cannot be snapchatting men that I like anymore. I’ve been saying this for a while now, but I absolutely refuse to give a man my snapchat before they ask for my number. The biggest ick to me? “You got snap?” Nothing has me hating you more than those three words. I’m either a) not responding or b) telling you to grow up. Because there is no way on this earth, in the year of our lord 2022, I am going to date a man who wants to snapchat me before he has my number. And don’t any of you men, of which there are probably none reading this, give me this bull shit of “it’s the best way to see if you’re real, if you’re not a catfish.” Fuck OFF. I’ll send you a live photo, I’ll send you a fucking video of me saying the date and time holding up today’s newspaper before I add you on snapchat. Wanting to check for catfishes is the most ridiculous excuse I’ve ever heard. Grow up and ask me for my phone number like a normal human being.

So that’s that. That’s what’s in and out this chaotic girl summer. The rules of the road for summer 2022. It’s going to be a goodie. I look forward to all you guys’ hottie insta pics, tag me in them plz and thanks. And always, always feel free to share your chaotic dating and summer stories in my Instagram DM’s.

Love you lots, Sarah

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