— Sarah 🍑 Thompson (@biracial_booty) May 7, 2020
Deadass a month ago, my friend told me that Trojan Condoms said if you DM them an eggplant emoji they would send you free shit. And as someone who loves free shit, no matter what it is, I decided to give it a go. They had me fill out a Google form and I honestly forgot about it.
They didn’t email me or contact me again, so I 100% forgot that it had even happened. Until a package showed up at my door with a sticker that said “sexplore at home with confidence.” That package showed up at my door. My parent’s door.
It’s not a big package, but somehow the sticker is fucking huge. As in, my mom who brought the package into the house would have 100% seen it. I also buy a lot of things online. When I came downstairs and my mom told me I had yet another package, I was about to open it up right then and there, but I saw the sticker and the Trojan logo and knew exactly where it was from and just start laughing uncontrollably. My mom and sister absolutely thought I was a crazy person. Once I realized they both would have seen the sticker, I didn’t want them to think of me as some sexual deviant so I explained the DM and the free stuff and scurried upstairs to open it.
Inside there was a bottle of ‘personal lubricant’ and one of the best cards I’ve ever fucking seen.
You heard it here first, masturbation will NOT spread Covid 19. I mean this whole little card is fucking phenomenal, and the marketing extraordinaire in me is obsessed with it. The copy is just spectacular. ‘Pleasure yourself like the world depends on it’ is probably the best corona related slogan I’ve heard during this entire thing. And since Trojan is typically known for their condoms, which are null and void for anyone who isn’t living with someone to have sex with, it’s a fucking great rebrand and twist to sell their products and connect with customers. That’s the marketing brain in me getting horny for advertising. Normal person Sarah just thinks the slogans are funny and is still a slut for free shit.
So during these trying times, just remember that you can’t go out and get laid, but you can in fact pleasure yourself.
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