In case you missed it, though at this point, I’m not sure how you would, a shit ton of terrorists quote literally broke into the United States Capitol building last night “protesting” Biden’s win… I mean, talk about sore losers. In my general attempt to cope with everything and anything with humor, because dealing with the everyday anxieties of being black in America is overall depressing, I decided to put together my list of things that apparently have much stronger security than the Capitol of the United States of America. I mean, those asshats just waltzed right in like they were invited. Which… I won’t get into that now.

My Password Journal

Ya’ll remember these bad boys? God they were so fucking cool. Password protected AND invisible ink, there was no fucking way anyone would ever find out who I was crushing on or how angry I was at my mom that day. Not like if you dropped it, it would pop right open. Or if you said the password in a high voice it would open no matter what. Still stronger security measures than a government building though.

A college/high school football field after a winning game

I mean, they do not let you storm those fields for shit! It’s basically impossible. I promise you with 100% certainty that high school teachers have more control and power over students in a game winning situation than the fucking police had on terrorists.

Frat Parties

Did the cops try saying “who do you know here?” Because I think that would’ve stopped them. I’m going to be honest, I was a bit of a frat rat in college, and I have witnessed the door security in real life, and let me tell you, they don’t fucking budge. I mean, if you can’t truly tell them how or why you got invited, they don’t give a shit. Clearly there were no frat guys on the Capitol security team.

My deep thoughts and insecurities

Ain’t nobody getting into that shit. It is locked air-fucking-tight. I have friends and family who have known me for YEARS that don’t know everything about me. There is no fucking way anyone will ever be able to crack into the deep dark abyss that are my deepest thoughts and fears. My self consciousness should cop a job working security honestly.

Coogan’s (or really any bar in Faneuil Hall in Boston)

Have you ever been drunk trying to get into a Faneuil Hall bar? It’s shockingly hard to do. Real ID or fake they scrutinize that shit. Look like you’re barely on the verge of black out, forget about it. The amount of fights I’ve gotten in with bouncers in Boston bars is honestly absurd.

Spray Paint

If you’ve ever tried to buy spray paint you know it’s a fucking process. Like I get it’s lowkey dangerous because of fumes and shit… but like does it need to be CAGED?? Seems a little extra if you’re asking me.

Black Haircare at Walmart

I mean this is blatant racism. If you’re from around here it’s not as prevalent, but A LOT of places have black and curly hair products locked up. You need to ask an employee to get it for you. Because they’re assuming it will be stolen. Even if it is stolen, sorry? But I don’t care? Hair care is hygiene!! This one is significantly less funny than the rest, but like come fucking ON.

Logging into Gmail from a different device

If you have Gmail and have attempted to log into your account on a different computer or phone, you know what the hell I’m talking about. Sometimes you have to confirm with your phone number, sometimes a different email, sometimes it lets you in no issue. But every single time it sends a wildly aggressive email that someone has logged into your account from a new device. Like it’s me bitch! What would someone even want with my gmail login? It’s all just a bunch of ads from places I’ve onlined shopped before. Like sure, have my Michaels and Fashionova coupons.